Thursday, March 20, 2014

Can't Keep Running Away

"Can't keep runnin' away..." - Runnin' by Pharcyde

All I have done since my relationship ended in 2009 is run, run, run. I moved from place to place to place. I stayed away from dating. I pushed certain friends and family away. I didn't want to be close to anyone and and I didn't want to get too comfortable. When my break up occurred, my entire world was flipped on it's head and I was so traumatized. I vowed to not allow myself to ever become that vulnerable again.

So I ran, ran, ran. My life was chaotic. I submerged my heart, mind and soul into my work. Anytime it sounded like, looked like, smelled like my past... I ran. I ran to my work. The safe and pretty world of weddings and events where flowers were always beautiful, where linens were always gorgeous, where dresses were always white, where everything was lovely and safe.  Safe... that's all I kept thinking of. I wanted to run to a safe place. But even the pretty world of weddings and events was only a temporary pit stop. Because when the candles were blown out and the DJ played the last song, I would have to go back to my reality. That sad and painful place... and once I arrived, I quickly packed up a bag and ran, ran, ran again.

I was living in a paralyzing fear. I was deathly afraid and the only person I had in my corner every day all day was my youngest daughter. It took a while but it was with her that I was able to laugh and get out of the house and get involved in local activities. We went to movies in the park, the art museum, shopping, out to eat, food truck crawls and she even followed me to wedding industry events. And slowly, surely, I found my smile again.

I realized that I can't keep running away. So for the last 6 months, I have turned that around. I have opened my heart to get to know someone again. Love is easing back into my life... even on the days when I am semi-resistant. I want something that I haven't cared about in a while... stability. A home. A reliable schedule. Something that grounds me.

So here I am. Sure, I'm still fumbling at times. I still look and feel lost at times. But I am confident and smiling and sure about myself. Learning who and whose I am. I am tired from all of this running. I just want to slow down and take more notice of the little things. Experience joy and peace and love. Smile and laugh. Grow in wisdom and discernment. Get to know who God really is. And position myself for the amazing journey that lies before me.

xoxo, tami

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